Dialog #5: And MORE ...

• A student is not doing his/her work and refuses to talk to you about it because he/she hates you.

This one's mostly about time.  Remember: be in it to win the WAR, not the individual battles.  First off, a relationship should never have the opportunity to get THIS far off-track.  If a kid is starting to "hate" you (the word does not mean, for a student, what it does to you and I - take all extreme statements with a bit of salt, and remember the goldfish rule: kids have a 15 second memory!), you should spot the resentment and the tone issues as soon as they crop up.  

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure is an ABSOLUTE maxim for classroom management.  Call out any kid who gives even a LITTLE bit of attitude - not in an angry way, but in a businesslike, relaxed way - and use the opportunity to correct the problem.  As always, make the interaction about practical outcomes, not personal emotions - get them to tell YOU why you called them out, then walk them through WHY they need to be in better control of the way they communicate (everyone has to work with someone they hate, etc.).

Just for the sake of scripting, here's a quick one in case someone does throw the "I hate you" or "you hate me" bit at you:

"That's fine - you don't have to like me.  I'm not asking you to.  The reason I called you out here is that you're doing something that's hurting YOU, not me.  Everyone - and I do mean EVERYONE - has to work with people they don't like at some point.  The trick is, you have to be able to do your job without losing it - if you show that you don't like them, it won't help you.  I'm not trying to convince you to like me - this is about YOU learning to handle your work.   

"Is being angry at me helping you at all?  If you get frustrated and let it out at me, what happens?  Exactly - you end up here.  Do you like spending all your time talking with me?  RIGHT!  The key is this: do what you need to so you don't have to spend too much time dealing with me.  Getting angry at me just leads to more frustrating interactions; part of being grown is learning how to manage your emotions and take care of your BUSINESS.   

"If you look angry or mouth-off, you're asking for my help in figuring out how to better manage your behavior - you're effectively telling me you don't know how to yet, so you need my help.  If you can handle it on your own, then I won't need to mention it again.  Make sense?  Look - I'm not your enemy, and I never will be.  Even if I drive you nuts, I'm on your side; if you don't want to have these conversations, show me you can manage yourself and we won't have to do this.  Cool?"

The key, as always, is keeping it practical - cause and effect.