- After calling a student out for not completing their homework to the best of their ability, he/she complains that you are always picking on him/her because you hate him/her.
The response here depends on the volume. If the kid makes a performance out of it, you have to send him out - politely: "Let's chat outside." If he's quiet, you can be, too: "Hey - let's chat; do you want to step out so we can keep it private? We need to work this out."
Once you get outside, you need to steer things quickly back from emo-world to the world of practicality. This doesn't all need to come out all at once - these are mostly a mix of different messages that all connect:
"First of all, I want you to know I care very much about your success. If I didn't, I wouldn't call you out for low-quality work - I wouldn't CARE if you did terrible work. I call you out for crappy work PRECISELY because I DO care - because I think you're capable of a LOT more. I understand you don't like it, and I don't like seeing you upset - if there's a better way to talk about this stuff, help me out and tell me a way we can chat that won't flip you out. One thing I won't do, though, is cheat you by treating you like you aren't capable of more. If I didn't push you for better work, I'd be insulting your abilities. But I want you to know that I push you for your best work because you CAN do better. There are people in there who have to work their hardest just to pull off work that takes you five minutes, but I respect them for what they do - because they're trying. This isn't just about me pushing you for more - this is also about you. I think one reason you're upset is that YOU don't like doing less than your best, either, and I think that's a good sign. If you're not happy with less than your best, OKAY! I'll help any way I can to get you to the point where you can do your best - but you have to be willing to TRY. Deal?"
- A student is obviously distraught over something, and is taking it out on you during class. You send the student outside, and tell him/her that you will have a talk with them. When outside, the student tells you that he/she doesn’t want to talk to you because you don’t know anything about him/her.
Start with sympathy and patience. In fact, don't give the kid the opportunity to tell you that "you don't know me." Throw them off-balance. They're wounded: you don't, necessarily, need to know WHY, so much as need to know what they need from you. Sure, ultimately you'd like to know, and in some cases you may need to, but right NOW the thing that will build your relationship is a combo of sympathy and space.
"Hey, are you okay?" Make sure your body-language is non-confrontational, here - I usually crouch down to the side of the kid, squatting, and look somewhere else - never in the eyes, unless they're looking for that. Sort of an "I'm here, but I'm just hanging out - no pressure!" message. Granted, I do this because I'm a guy - often, if I square off, I'm too intimidating: I'll either get their hackles raised or I'll scare them into sullen silence.
ASIDE: In your first year or two, you'll often be so focused on how YOU'RE feeling ("oh wow, I didn't expect that!"; "what do I do next?!"; "oh God, can he tell how upset I am?"; "I can't believe he just SAID that!!"; etc.) that you'll forget to pay close attention to the student's feelings and reactions. A good thing to practice is to watch, as much as you can, how kids react to how you approach them. What makes them tense up? What makes them seem to relax? Are there things you say or do that seem effective either at calming them down or making them straighten up?
To continue our conversation where we left it ...
"Look, it's clear something's going on. If you want to talk about it, I'll listen - I can't promise I have any answers, but I might have some advice - no guarantees. If you're not feeling like talking, I understand - just know that I'll be around if you do want to talk."
Now that you've established some support and sympathy, it's time to get practical:
"Okay, so here's the thing - whatever's going on right now is clearly tough - I get that. Everyone has some rough stuff to deal with - no matter who they are. The question isn't whether something tough is going to happen, but what you're going to do about it. Right now, you've got a job to do, and this is clearly interfering with it. If you need a few minutes to breathe, I understand. I want you back in that room and succeeding, and I'll help however I can, but this is about you: how are you going to make sure you handle this without letting it take over your life and keep you from getting what YOU want - good grades, a decent day, etc.?"
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